I am, by nature, a fairly jealous person. Maybe we all are – I don’t know. I am jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am . . . jealous of those who are NOT thinner than I am but who don’t care about it and ROCK their bodies . . . jealous of those who can run faster than me . . . jealous of those who can run farther than me . . . jealous of those who can whip up amazing meals with what appears to be minimal effort . . . jealous of those who grow their own food, make their own bread, can, pickle, etc . . .and jealous of those who understand how to use Mac products (intuitive my arse!). Most of all, though, I am jealous of those with kids.
I am very jealous of people who have had their children naturally. They will never understand how blessed they are to go through that process. Many of them take it for granted, and complain buckets about it. I know that I don’t know what it’s like to gain weight, to have my body change, to be ill all the time, and to have a being grow inside of me. I know that it is unlike anything else in life. But it’s not my fault that I don’t know. I want to know – really, I do. Sometimes mothers tell me that I “don’t know what it’s like” in a way that makes me feel like less of a person. It sucks.
I am very jealous of other adoptive families who already have children at home and are adopting their second, third, fourth, ninth, tenth (yes, tenth) children. As Christina put it during the finale of the first season of “A Conception Story” (www.tlc.com/conception, check out last year’s couples if you want to get caught up with our history): “it’s like we’re all sitting in front of a pizza, and ‘you’ (this was directed at the pregnant women in the group) already ate your slice of pizza and are going for seconds, but ‘we’ (those struggling to conceive) aren’t able to eat even one slice.” While that comment didn’t go over well with the expectant mothers, Christina hit the nail on the head. I feel terrible feeling that way, but it’s hard not to. We just want one baby, yet others around us are able to field basketball teams with their kiddos.
I am absolutely happy for my friends who have children, and who are expecting their first children, but at the same time, it’s hard. I have three friends who recently had babies, and six other pretty close friends who are due before the end of the year . . . not to count another three of four social acquaintances who are also expecting. I would never wish that they were NOT pregnant, and I would never wish that anything happens to them during their pregnancy. It is just hard to be on the sidelines.
Yes – we have a baby, but we have never held him, never seen him in person, and are not even 100% sure we are ever going to. We are missing so much of his life already. While people tell me that we will forget that someday, and will have a hard time remembering life without him, I am not so sure of all of that. All of the adoptive parents I know had biological kids first, so they had a different experience than we will have.
I am trying to be thankful for what I have, and to be hopeful for what is to come, but it is hard. If you see my face looking a little green, know that I am not ill – just a little jealous.